Lights. Epiphany. Action.
The day I decided to take step number one
I was always the type of person that had a list of goals to follow every new year.
Even as a child I always strove for the typical things. Straight A's. Be healthier. Do something so awesome that you would earn a shatter proof reputation with your friends for years to come.
Last year, for the first time ever, I did not make myself a list. Not because I forgot. I just simply did not want to. Pathetically it was because I was so exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and every other dimension a human being that could possibly exist that I felt making a list, even with small little goals, would have just been too overwhelming. And with that I carried on the rest of year just focusing on the duties that were laid out to be carried on a daily basis. Work. School. Chores. A get together once in a blue (oh so not frequent) moon.
I admit. That year was the worse year ever. Not that anything bad happened. It was just nothing good happened.
I earned decent grades, continued working at my job, continued going to school, moving forward with nothing until graduation which was a year or more pending anyways.
However I had never been in a lower point. I felt exhausted. I literally went to bed before most senior citizens did and had the hardest time waking up. I ate so much food, especially rich foods without so much as even getting a pleasure out of their savory tastes. I spent hours doing nothing when I had so much to do. I would rather stare at a wall or lay in bed then enrich myself with some experience or at least do something productive. I did not even want to go out or even online out of fear that I might have to run into a thing called people. Even my cherished friends. I had a fear of looking on facebook and seeing my friends having fun at a bar on Friday night or running a marathon because it would show that they were moving forward with their lives while I stayed still in mine. It would show that they had the strength and a will to do something while I went against all will I had. It would show their faces and smiles so joyful, their eyes glistening distinctly with something I wish I had the ability to do. Live.
They were having adventures. Living.
And I was merely existing.
Yeah, you could call it depression. I called it that for a while. And I understand alot of people go through their bouts of it. I do to. But I had never felt such a hollow feeling as this. I hoped for something bad to happen to me such as a car running me over or me getting extremely sick just for the simple fact of getting to take a break from life. From reality.
And that was me a year ago. Now, the little fight I have left in me is something that I plan to nourish. I have found some kind of will to escape this pressuring rain cloud that seems to follow. I will dedicate this year to finding my sunlight.
I do have some goals in mind of course. I want to challenge myself to do them and what better way then to do it when you feel like your obligated to do it for an audience. Even if it is just an audience of one. I think, part of my will came from being able to possibly inspire someone else. Well..I have lugged my way through college. At the end of this semester I'm going to finally graduate college. I would like some good grades to finish strong. I also have gained college weight and have less desire than a grandmother to be out on a weekend. I want to gain my energy back by exercising and losing that weight. I also have been promising and writing a piece of work that has not gotten completed due to my lack of focus. I'm going to make sure that it gets completed as well. I have permission to take an EMT test but have not passed the test yet, so I would like to do that just in case. I hate my job and would like to do one more fulfilling and yada yada yada...
Point is, when it comes down to one thing, what has been my biggest mistake in the last year, I would say that I was too afraid and that I was too cautious. That caused me to push aside things. My goal for this year is to have as many adventures as possible. I'm going to try my best to do that. Hold me up to that challenge.
